Dr. Vitz points out some examples of how our failure to speak up for ourselves can fester until it explodes.
Defiance Disguised as Compliance
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Defiance Disguised as Compliance
Season 5/Episode 72
September 20, 2022
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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
0:04 Jon
Welcome to Levelheaded Talk. Yesterday we talked about Defiance. And what I'd like to talk about today is the flip side of that, which is quiet compliance. In other words, not speaking up for yourself. Because that's what I do.
0:22 Andrea
Yeah, it's like a submission.
0:23 Jon
Uh huh. I defy, but I act like I'm complying. Who was only more not healthy for anybody? Because I learned well, you know, in my upbringing, I'm thankful for the discipline I learned in my upbringing. But what came with that was being told not to talk back and what that meant, I think the spirit of that is great. Because there's a respectful way to speak up for yourself. And I like that practice. And I encourage my kids to do that. But what I was taught was “Don't talk back.” That's it. So, what I learned to do was clam up and stew. And that was terrible. Because that's doing only you know, as you stew, you cook down whatever is holding back resentment. And you just learn to resent and when you quietly resent you never solve.
1:21 Andrea
That's right. Never comes to the surface to be eradicated. So, what did you call it?
1:28 Jon
Quiet compliance.
1:29 Andrea
Quiet compliance. when really, it's quiet defiance.
1:34 Jon
It's Quiet Defiance. So, this defiance disguises compliance.
1:39 Andrea
Yeah, there you go. So, it's a manipulation. And then did this follow you into adulthood?
1:47 Jon
Oh, yeah.
1:48 Andrea
Yeah. Isn’t that frustrating? Because it's a skill. If I learned how to ride a motorcycle when I was a teenager, and I do it every single day, until I'm 20. You get really good at it. And then I realized, Wait, I don't want to ride a motorcycle. I didn't unlearn how to ride a motorcycle. So, you're really really good at that. Great. Good to know. So yeah, I'd love that. That's great. Well, what happens to you? What would be your motive? Is it's not gotten in trouble that still followed you into adulthood? Right? Isn't that amazing? So, it really still stems from again, childishness. And being in that state of feeling like you're a kid. And you're helpless. And you don't get a say, and you're never going to get your way.
2:38 Jon
So, you throw an internal temper tantrum.
2:39 Andrea
Well, that's what resentment is. You know, it's interesting. I read the other day; resentment takes more lives. And I believe actually, that means it kills the physical body more than anything. I feel that that's true, because it's such a negative chemistry. Resentment and anger and shame and guilt too but I think that resentment and anger are like an acidic, burning, stewing, exact word used. And I think it's hard on ourselves and it's hard on our tissues and our energetic body and we tend to break down.
3:19 Jon
I think those are absolutely true and very subtle. Because more obviously, especially with younger people, those resentments cause you to act out in ways that are destructive. Or you get relationships with violence, or, you know, neighborhood violence, gang violence, things like that. Young people. And then, you know, a lot of times people will get older and either figure out how to solve their problems or get better at least displaying their problems so that they can get help, or we don't and then that's when the long term breakdown of our physical bodies and even if it's not, I believe it is a cellular breakdown eventually, but even before that, it breaks down your judgment and then you don't treat yourself well and then you eat poorly and you don't take care of your body and all of the things that happen. I mean, this is one of the reasons that the EMSO movement is so important because we are a society that has cancer in it. And I mean that figuratively, but everything from diabetes and obesity and there's also more cancer now than ever. But all of those things come from the judgment calls that we make when we're in our insobriety. And it's all bad.
5:00 Andrea
It's all harmful. Interesting. Yeah. So, think about what that would lead to in your life because every time you make the decision, or maybe it doesn't feel like a decision, I get that to have quiet defiance, and not speak up, calmly and maturely. Then you're just stowing away another unspoken resentment, another unsolvable situation. And level of stress in your mind. It just exponentially grows over the years. And then we wonder why all of a sudden were obese or have cancer or alcoholics or chain smoking or have all this slew of unhealthy relationships, because we're not doing the internal work and taking responsibility for our own maturity, and our own clarity. So, you can't have clarity like you said, you lose your ability to judge situations when you're flooded with chemistry. And so, if somebody says something to you, let's say your boss, and you don't want to do it, but you comply. You set yourself up for more procrastination, avoidance, having to lie, make up stories and get sick, so you don't have to go to work and you start building all this resentment toward that person. When it has nothing to do with that person. lose your job or you lose a friend. It just has to be spoken. And it's so easy to just speak, when you learn how to actually communicate calmly because you don't have resentment if you speak, right when you need to speak. It doesn't fester. The only time we have moments of explosion is when you've been holding something in for so long. That it explodes. When it's fresh, it doesn't hurt. It doesn't sting anybody. Oh, you just said that. And I recognize this needs to be said. Now in response to that.
7:00 Jon
I'll say that sometimes you call me out on the behavior, and it's actually amusing. Like, we laugh about it, and we go yeah, I'm doing that. Right. Okay. All right.
7:09 Andrea
Do you know why? Because you're human. That's easy. I mean, almost anyone listening to this can relate to almost anything that we say, because of that reason. So, it feels like, how many people have you met? Or at least heard of that read The You You've Never Met and think she wrote that about me. Everybody, everybody thinks that. And I feel like there's a level of resentment. They're like, they think I'm judging them or I followed them around for six years. And I just took note of everything they did. I'm like, No, that was really about how terrible I was. You know, it wasn't about you, but I'm glad that you relate.
7:44 Jon
Yeah, it turns out we're all the same. So here we are.
7:49
So yeah, we removed the judgment and removed your friends for the judgment. If you notice that subtle energy of defiance, just kind of help somebody through it. If you notice it in somebody else. And if you notice in yourself, it's a sneaky little thing. Childishness. Where are you quietly defiant? That's building up in you as resentment towards someone else when it has nothing to do with them. It's just something you've not spoken out loud or heard. How about this? Let's say you've compiled out loud, with a grin on your face. And they think, Oh, this person got it. There's nothing negative happening between me and that person. And then suddenly they're slandering you and cutting your tires and you're like, what just happened? We were great. We weren't great because you never said anything. You said the opposite. You said we were great. And you did it with a smile because your defiance was quiet. Wrapped up in a smile. It's dangerous. So, think about that. Think of the areas you've been quietly defiant. Where you've complied with a smile, even though you were filled with resentment because of what you thought you were being told you had to do. Even though you're probably told you didn’t. Right? What you thought you had to do to be loved, even though it's probably not true. But you've decided it was true. Look at what's all your responsibility here in the resentments that we are stewing in. What is it that you're mad about and that really happened? Or did you make that up in your head? Oh, did I have some humdingers in my past where I could make somebody out to be a monster.
9:50 Jon
Well, the thing is, we make something up in our head and it's a seed. And then it just grows.
9:56 Andrea
It marinates in the stew. And then every opportunity you have if you're an addict of resentment, every opportunity that you have to feel that feeling you're going to make it so then every interaction everything that you see that person do or hear them, say or any interaction you have with them, you're going to be able to attach it to the mental pathway that makes resentment. You'll find a way to do it. And then you get to use your favorite behaviors of avoidance, or gossip or childishness, or defensiveness, or judgmentalism or alcoholism, drug abuse, whatever it is. You get to use that behavior. Because it feels so quote “good to do and so normal”. Oh, they pissed me off I got to go home and drink a whole bottle of wine. Right? That they don't piss you off more than likely. They're just an individual
10:59 Jon
Doing their thing and you never said anything.
11:03 Andrea
You never said hey, you know what, that doesn't work for me. Can I take a rain check or hey, you know what? I'm going to need a different agreement. Is that cool? Easy. I really need a break.
11:12 Jon
At least some of the time you're going to hear why I never thought that. Hey man, I didn’t realize I was doing that to you.
11:17 Andrea
Yeah, I didn't realize, I mean, you could have an employee who you hire who says, I want to work for you for 1000 bucks a month. That's how much I want to work for you. I know, you can't afford an employee right now. So that's what I want to do. Okay, cool. Like that's unheard of. Let's do it and they do everything with a smile. And then some months pass. All of a sudden there's this big explosion because you don't pay me enough and I'm worth more and it's like, Wait a second. The last time we discussed it. You were super happy. It was your idea. But that resentment stood in you for months, and you created a totally different reality based on what was actually spoken versus not.
12:06 Jon
Right. At some point you crossed into the Okay, this has gone on long enough. Maybe I need to ask for more. That person, especially if this is your expectation. That person should have said something to me by now that I was worth more. And yeah, this is an agreement that you made in your mind that didn't say anything about.
12:25 Andrea
Yeah, right. What I'm hoping is in a couple of months, you'll see what I'm worth and maybe you'll give me a raise.
12:29 Jon
Iif that sentence had been spoken at the beginning. Who knows may have changed everything but even a couple months into it if the sentence had been spoken? Hey, you know, I was thinking by now you'd understand what my values are, what do you say?
12:42 Andrea
Yeah. Or hey, I recognize that I didn't speak up. And I've been harboring some resentment. And I'm like, that's silly. Why don't I just talk? I realized my part in that. I didn't say what I think I want. So that's just a really basic example but it happens everywhere in our life.
Welcome to Levelheaded Talk. Yesterday we talked about Defiance. And what I'd like to talk about today is the flip side of that, which is quiet compliance. In other words, not speaking up for yourself. Because that's what I do.
0:22 Andrea
Yeah, it's like a submission.
0:23 Jon
Uh huh. I defy, but I act like I'm complying. Who was only more not healthy for anybody? Because I learned well, you know, in my upbringing, I'm thankful for the discipline I learned in my upbringing. But what came with that was being told not to talk back and what that meant, I think the spirit of that is great. Because there's a respectful way to speak up for yourself. And I like that practice. And I encourage my kids to do that. But what I was taught was “Don't talk back.” That's it. So, what I learned to do was clam up and stew. And that was terrible. Because that's doing only you know, as you stew, you cook down whatever is holding back resentment. And you just learn to resent and when you quietly resent you never solve.
1:21 Andrea
That's right. Never comes to the surface to be eradicated. So, what did you call it?
1:28 Jon
Quiet compliance.
1:29 Andrea
Quiet compliance. when really, it's quiet defiance.
1:34 Jon
It's Quiet Defiance. So, this defiance disguises compliance.
1:39 Andrea
Yeah, there you go. So, it's a manipulation. And then did this follow you into adulthood?
1:47 Jon
Oh, yeah.
1:48 Andrea
Yeah. Isn’t that frustrating? Because it's a skill. If I learned how to ride a motorcycle when I was a teenager, and I do it every single day, until I'm 20. You get really good at it. And then I realized, Wait, I don't want to ride a motorcycle. I didn't unlearn how to ride a motorcycle. So, you're really really good at that. Great. Good to know. So yeah, I'd love that. That's great. Well, what happens to you? What would be your motive? Is it's not gotten in trouble that still followed you into adulthood? Right? Isn't that amazing? So, it really still stems from again, childishness. And being in that state of feeling like you're a kid. And you're helpless. And you don't get a say, and you're never going to get your way.
2:38 Jon
So, you throw an internal temper tantrum.
2:39 Andrea
Well, that's what resentment is. You know, it's interesting. I read the other day; resentment takes more lives. And I believe actually, that means it kills the physical body more than anything. I feel that that's true, because it's such a negative chemistry. Resentment and anger and shame and guilt too but I think that resentment and anger are like an acidic, burning, stewing, exact word used. And I think it's hard on ourselves and it's hard on our tissues and our energetic body and we tend to break down.
3:19 Jon
I think those are absolutely true and very subtle. Because more obviously, especially with younger people, those resentments cause you to act out in ways that are destructive. Or you get relationships with violence, or, you know, neighborhood violence, gang violence, things like that. Young people. And then, you know, a lot of times people will get older and either figure out how to solve their problems or get better at least displaying their problems so that they can get help, or we don't and then that's when the long term breakdown of our physical bodies and even if it's not, I believe it is a cellular breakdown eventually, but even before that, it breaks down your judgment and then you don't treat yourself well and then you eat poorly and you don't take care of your body and all of the things that happen. I mean, this is one of the reasons that the EMSO movement is so important because we are a society that has cancer in it. And I mean that figuratively, but everything from diabetes and obesity and there's also more cancer now than ever. But all of those things come from the judgment calls that we make when we're in our insobriety. And it's all bad.
5:00 Andrea
It's all harmful. Interesting. Yeah. So, think about what that would lead to in your life because every time you make the decision, or maybe it doesn't feel like a decision, I get that to have quiet defiance, and not speak up, calmly and maturely. Then you're just stowing away another unspoken resentment, another unsolvable situation. And level of stress in your mind. It just exponentially grows over the years. And then we wonder why all of a sudden were obese or have cancer or alcoholics or chain smoking or have all this slew of unhealthy relationships, because we're not doing the internal work and taking responsibility for our own maturity, and our own clarity. So, you can't have clarity like you said, you lose your ability to judge situations when you're flooded with chemistry. And so, if somebody says something to you, let's say your boss, and you don't want to do it, but you comply. You set yourself up for more procrastination, avoidance, having to lie, make up stories and get sick, so you don't have to go to work and you start building all this resentment toward that person. When it has nothing to do with that person. lose your job or you lose a friend. It just has to be spoken. And it's so easy to just speak, when you learn how to actually communicate calmly because you don't have resentment if you speak, right when you need to speak. It doesn't fester. The only time we have moments of explosion is when you've been holding something in for so long. That it explodes. When it's fresh, it doesn't hurt. It doesn't sting anybody. Oh, you just said that. And I recognize this needs to be said. Now in response to that.
7:00 Jon
I'll say that sometimes you call me out on the behavior, and it's actually amusing. Like, we laugh about it, and we go yeah, I'm doing that. Right. Okay. All right.
7:09 Andrea
Do you know why? Because you're human. That's easy. I mean, almost anyone listening to this can relate to almost anything that we say, because of that reason. So, it feels like, how many people have you met? Or at least heard of that read The You You've Never Met and think she wrote that about me. Everybody, everybody thinks that. And I feel like there's a level of resentment. They're like, they think I'm judging them or I followed them around for six years. And I just took note of everything they did. I'm like, No, that was really about how terrible I was. You know, it wasn't about you, but I'm glad that you relate.
7:44 Jon
Yeah, it turns out we're all the same. So here we are.
7:49
So yeah, we removed the judgment and removed your friends for the judgment. If you notice that subtle energy of defiance, just kind of help somebody through it. If you notice it in somebody else. And if you notice in yourself, it's a sneaky little thing. Childishness. Where are you quietly defiant? That's building up in you as resentment towards someone else when it has nothing to do with them. It's just something you've not spoken out loud or heard. How about this? Let's say you've compiled out loud, with a grin on your face. And they think, Oh, this person got it. There's nothing negative happening between me and that person. And then suddenly they're slandering you and cutting your tires and you're like, what just happened? We were great. We weren't great because you never said anything. You said the opposite. You said we were great. And you did it with a smile because your defiance was quiet. Wrapped up in a smile. It's dangerous. So, think about that. Think of the areas you've been quietly defiant. Where you've complied with a smile, even though you were filled with resentment because of what you thought you were being told you had to do. Even though you're probably told you didn’t. Right? What you thought you had to do to be loved, even though it's probably not true. But you've decided it was true. Look at what's all your responsibility here in the resentments that we are stewing in. What is it that you're mad about and that really happened? Or did you make that up in your head? Oh, did I have some humdingers in my past where I could make somebody out to be a monster.
9:50 Jon
Well, the thing is, we make something up in our head and it's a seed. And then it just grows.
9:56 Andrea
It marinates in the stew. And then every opportunity you have if you're an addict of resentment, every opportunity that you have to feel that feeling you're going to make it so then every interaction everything that you see that person do or hear them, say or any interaction you have with them, you're going to be able to attach it to the mental pathway that makes resentment. You'll find a way to do it. And then you get to use your favorite behaviors of avoidance, or gossip or childishness, or defensiveness, or judgmentalism or alcoholism, drug abuse, whatever it is. You get to use that behavior. Because it feels so quote “good to do and so normal”. Oh, they pissed me off I got to go home and drink a whole bottle of wine. Right? That they don't piss you off more than likely. They're just an individual
10:59 Jon
Doing their thing and you never said anything.
11:03 Andrea
You never said hey, you know what, that doesn't work for me. Can I take a rain check or hey, you know what? I'm going to need a different agreement. Is that cool? Easy. I really need a break.
11:12 Jon
At least some of the time you're going to hear why I never thought that. Hey man, I didn’t realize I was doing that to you.
11:17 Andrea
Yeah, I didn't realize, I mean, you could have an employee who you hire who says, I want to work for you for 1000 bucks a month. That's how much I want to work for you. I know, you can't afford an employee right now. So that's what I want to do. Okay, cool. Like that's unheard of. Let's do it and they do everything with a smile. And then some months pass. All of a sudden there's this big explosion because you don't pay me enough and I'm worth more and it's like, Wait a second. The last time we discussed it. You were super happy. It was your idea. But that resentment stood in you for months, and you created a totally different reality based on what was actually spoken versus not.
12:06 Jon
Right. At some point you crossed into the Okay, this has gone on long enough. Maybe I need to ask for more. That person, especially if this is your expectation. That person should have said something to me by now that I was worth more. And yeah, this is an agreement that you made in your mind that didn't say anything about.
12:25 Andrea
Yeah, right. What I'm hoping is in a couple of months, you'll see what I'm worth and maybe you'll give me a raise.
12:29 Jon
Iif that sentence had been spoken at the beginning. Who knows may have changed everything but even a couple months into it if the sentence had been spoken? Hey, you know, I was thinking by now you'd understand what my values are, what do you say?
12:42 Andrea
Yeah. Or hey, I recognize that I didn't speak up. And I've been harboring some resentment. And I'm like, that's silly. Why don't I just talk? I realized my part in that. I didn't say what I think I want. So that's just a really basic example but it happens everywhere in our life.
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