Dr. Vitz talks about why we feel the need to show superiority to others, the damage it does, and how to avoid it.
To Avoid Being Condescending
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To Avoid Being Condescending
Season 10/Episode 65
April 3, 2025
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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
This is Levelheaded Talk, a discussion on radically upgrading personal and professional relationships with emotional sobriety. This is a podcast brought to you by expert and speaker, Dr. Andrea Vitz, and is not intended to replace the advice of your medical professional.
0:29 Jon
Welcome to Levelheaded Talk. We're closing up a week here where we've done some self-exploration, and with some very insightful tips on how to process things in the moment. Notice I'm not calling them hacks, because I don't like that. They're more thoughtful than that. They're more thoughtful, and they deserve repetition. They deserve training. And they're really good. So, yesterday we talked about projection. What, how do you follow that to close up a glorious week?
1:09 Andrea
I want to talk about something a little bit different, even though it's still in alignment with the human being. And it's a topic that's been coming up for several weeks. It's been this theme, being condescending in your relationships, there's such a misunderstanding. I hear a lot of couples. Obviously, I work with a lot of couples.
And one of the most common complaints I receive, and both people say it in the relationship, is they're just so condescending.
They just have this condescending tone. And I've actually taught this to several of my CEOs as a really great tool in their tool belt to help them lead more effectively and not quote “get in trouble” with their employees. And one of the ways to do that is you really have to look at why you are being condescending or why you might be coming off as seeming that you're like you're condescending.
So think about that. When you're condescending, you're essentially descending down on someone else to gain superior superiority or power. You see that?
If I want to establish control, command, or power over someone in a conversation, if I'm condescending, I'm going to make you feel small, shameful, guilty, stupid. I need that so that I can have an upper hand. I say “I” but I don't do that now.
I used to. The upper hand.
It's the voice of experience and wisdom. And so when you have a condescending tone or a condescending intention, it's super obvious to everyone else except not always to you. And so I want to bring this to your attention.
That's why I have a lot of my couples or teams record their meetings, record your conversations, record your meetings, and then let's sit together and review them, almost like a coach would review a game day. We look at where you miss opportunities, where you make just blatant mistakes, or where you're just weakest. Here's where the game fell apart, everybody.
Let's reverse engineer this and come up with a framework that can up-level your game. And so when we're condescending, we're trying to bring someone's energy downward. And so in order to do that, we have to change the tone of our voice.
We not only have a theme that's condescending, everybody understands how to do that, right? We have a tone. But the tone is what I want to touch on today.
This is my secret, you guys. I'm giving this away. It's one of my tools I give people. Listen to your tone of voice. When you end on an up-tone, you are being condescending. When you end on an up-tone, you're trying to get over them. But here's what's happening. In truth, when you're condescending, you're actually in the act of condescending yourself. You are coming from a negative level of energy in order to even do that, you have to be there.
So you're already down low, and that's why you're trying to bring the other one down with you. Think of it as you're trying to elevate yourself by bringing someone else down, but you can't. So you're both just getting lower and lower and lower.
It doesn't actually give you any elevation. It just makes you less trustworthy. It makes you less attractive. It doesn't teach anyone any lesson. It doesn't shift the way that they are going to feel for the positive. You're not going to have some moment of awakening from being condescending.
When you put it that way. Now I see. No one can see.
When they're drunk on emotion of shame, guilt, or sadness, or anger, or resentment, they're not going to be able to see or hear anything. They only hear the tone. And you know, love can't just descend.
It doesn't descend. It exists at a high vibration, right? Hate can't ascend. It exists at a low vibration. Shame can't ascend. So shame in you, or you shaming others, is still shame. So you are, by definition, in a low place. You're in a descended place.
So really look for where you might be speaking with an up tone, as opposed to a grounding tone, like a powerful… a truly powerful tone.
5:51 Jon
Because in a truly powerful tone, you are seeking to empower.
5:55 Andrea
Yes, exactly. You're not looking for power. You already are empowered.
You're trying to help other people find that same power. That's what empowerment is, right? Empowerment is first finding your own power, and then wanting everyone else to have that for themselves. Because it's the best.
To have it for themselves.
Because if you have a community full of empowered people, doesn't that just function more efficiently? Isn't it for the greatest good and the highest good?
6:19 Jon
You also cannot be condescending if you are in the act of attempting to give someone your power. You can't. It's impossible. You're so busy. You're so busy sharing yourself that you can't.
6:38 Andrea
There comes a place in emotional sobriety where you feel like you have so much energy and empowerment that you literally don't need anything. And you just can give unlimited energy and share it with people. It's crazy.
6:55 Jon
Yeah. You get it back though when you see somebody embrace it.
6:58 Andrea
Yeah. It's a fulfillment, right? So it creates this cycle of the only thing that's challenging is when people don't want it.
When people don't want empowerment, that energy that I give doesn't go anywhere. And so then I have to put it over here to this other person. So that cycle becomes almost like a torus, you know, like this beautiful, woven energetic pattern of receiving, giving, receiving, giving, receiving, giving, and it's automatic.
I don't have to do anything. And I don't feel like I'm ever in a deficit because of that. And so being condescending has never once helped you.
It's never once won a fight. Even if the other person left, it doesn't mean you won. Even if you get the last word, it doesn't mean you were right.
Even if they stopped fighting with you, doesn't mean that they agree. So yeah, watch the tones. And listen to other people too. It's really fun. Don't be really accusatory or anything, but just notice how some people might end on like a really screechy up tone with a little more elevation to try to overpower a room as opposed to really coming to a point at the bottom like, hey, we're level. We're level here. All right, you guys.
Great week. Have a good weekend. Stay sober.
And always, we love you guys.
0:29 Jon
Welcome to Levelheaded Talk. We're closing up a week here where we've done some self-exploration, and with some very insightful tips on how to process things in the moment. Notice I'm not calling them hacks, because I don't like that. They're more thoughtful than that. They're more thoughtful, and they deserve repetition. They deserve training. And they're really good. So, yesterday we talked about projection. What, how do you follow that to close up a glorious week?
1:09 Andrea
I want to talk about something a little bit different, even though it's still in alignment with the human being. And it's a topic that's been coming up for several weeks. It's been this theme, being condescending in your relationships, there's such a misunderstanding. I hear a lot of couples. Obviously, I work with a lot of couples.
And one of the most common complaints I receive, and both people say it in the relationship, is they're just so condescending.
They just have this condescending tone. And I've actually taught this to several of my CEOs as a really great tool in their tool belt to help them lead more effectively and not quote “get in trouble” with their employees. And one of the ways to do that is you really have to look at why you are being condescending or why you might be coming off as seeming that you're like you're condescending.
So think about that. When you're condescending, you're essentially descending down on someone else to gain superior superiority or power. You see that?
If I want to establish control, command, or power over someone in a conversation, if I'm condescending, I'm going to make you feel small, shameful, guilty, stupid. I need that so that I can have an upper hand. I say “I” but I don't do that now.
I used to. The upper hand.
It's the voice of experience and wisdom. And so when you have a condescending tone or a condescending intention, it's super obvious to everyone else except not always to you. And so I want to bring this to your attention.
That's why I have a lot of my couples or teams record their meetings, record your conversations, record your meetings, and then let's sit together and review them, almost like a coach would review a game day. We look at where you miss opportunities, where you make just blatant mistakes, or where you're just weakest. Here's where the game fell apart, everybody.
Let's reverse engineer this and come up with a framework that can up-level your game. And so when we're condescending, we're trying to bring someone's energy downward. And so in order to do that, we have to change the tone of our voice.
We not only have a theme that's condescending, everybody understands how to do that, right? We have a tone. But the tone is what I want to touch on today.
This is my secret, you guys. I'm giving this away. It's one of my tools I give people. Listen to your tone of voice. When you end on an up-tone, you are being condescending. When you end on an up-tone, you're trying to get over them. But here's what's happening. In truth, when you're condescending, you're actually in the act of condescending yourself. You are coming from a negative level of energy in order to even do that, you have to be there.
So you're already down low, and that's why you're trying to bring the other one down with you. Think of it as you're trying to elevate yourself by bringing someone else down, but you can't. So you're both just getting lower and lower and lower.
It doesn't actually give you any elevation. It just makes you less trustworthy. It makes you less attractive. It doesn't teach anyone any lesson. It doesn't shift the way that they are going to feel for the positive. You're not going to have some moment of awakening from being condescending.
When you put it that way. Now I see. No one can see.
When they're drunk on emotion of shame, guilt, or sadness, or anger, or resentment, they're not going to be able to see or hear anything. They only hear the tone. And you know, love can't just descend.
It doesn't descend. It exists at a high vibration, right? Hate can't ascend. It exists at a low vibration. Shame can't ascend. So shame in you, or you shaming others, is still shame. So you are, by definition, in a low place. You're in a descended place.
So really look for where you might be speaking with an up tone, as opposed to a grounding tone, like a powerful… a truly powerful tone.
5:51 Jon
Because in a truly powerful tone, you are seeking to empower.
5:55 Andrea
Yes, exactly. You're not looking for power. You already are empowered.
You're trying to help other people find that same power. That's what empowerment is, right? Empowerment is first finding your own power, and then wanting everyone else to have that for themselves. Because it's the best.
To have it for themselves.
Because if you have a community full of empowered people, doesn't that just function more efficiently? Isn't it for the greatest good and the highest good?
6:19 Jon
You also cannot be condescending if you are in the act of attempting to give someone your power. You can't. It's impossible. You're so busy. You're so busy sharing yourself that you can't.
6:38 Andrea
There comes a place in emotional sobriety where you feel like you have so much energy and empowerment that you literally don't need anything. And you just can give unlimited energy and share it with people. It's crazy.
6:55 Jon
Yeah. You get it back though when you see somebody embrace it.
6:58 Andrea
Yeah. It's a fulfillment, right? So it creates this cycle of the only thing that's challenging is when people don't want it.
When people don't want empowerment, that energy that I give doesn't go anywhere. And so then I have to put it over here to this other person. So that cycle becomes almost like a torus, you know, like this beautiful, woven energetic pattern of receiving, giving, receiving, giving, receiving, giving, and it's automatic.
I don't have to do anything. And I don't feel like I'm ever in a deficit because of that. And so being condescending has never once helped you.
It's never once won a fight. Even if the other person left, it doesn't mean you won. Even if you get the last word, it doesn't mean you were right.
Even if they stopped fighting with you, doesn't mean that they agree. So yeah, watch the tones. And listen to other people too. It's really fun. Don't be really accusatory or anything, but just notice how some people might end on like a really screechy up tone with a little more elevation to try to overpower a room as opposed to really coming to a point at the bottom like, hey, we're level. We're level here. All right, you guys.
Great week. Have a good weekend. Stay sober.
And always, we love you guys.
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