Dr. Vitz answers listener emails, continuing by addressing the issue of overpowering conversations or flaring out.
Why am I so Loud?
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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
0:05 Jon
Welcome to Levelheaded Talk. Today is Wednesday. This is Jon Leon Guerrero; I am here with Dr. Andrea Vitz and we are having a good time taking listener questions this week.
0:17 Andrea
We are, (yeah) what you're going to love this. So, the next question I have is why am I so loud? And yesterday was all about not having a voice.
0:27 Jon
Why am I so loud?
0:29 Andrea
So, we could just take yesterday's and just reverse it. So, here's the thing about this. Why am I so loud? Why do I talk over people? Why is it that most of the things I say are really, really loud, audibly? Okay, well, this is probably a middle child I’m guessing. Or somebody who has a filter of invisibility or unimportance. So, let's consider this. If I feel that I have to speak louder in order for people to hear me. It means that I come from a past of not being heard. Of not being important, of not being observed. (Yeah) And so I have to really interject myself in all these situations to get the attention that I have not gotten. So, it becomes this like constant battle for attention everywhere we go. And so, we think that the louder we are, the more we're going to be heard but It's just not true, especially for coming from a place of energetic manipulation or that super aggressive, loud voice that's not attractive to us. To most people. It's kind of, it feels a little violating. So, what can happen is the very behavior used to get attention is going to get people stay away from you. And you're going to start to keep using that same behavior to get more attention, because everyone's turning away from you. (Well) Just like every Emotionally Triggered Behavior. (Sure) Wait, we keep using the same behavior and expecting a different result. And it's never once worked ever. Who else does that? Everyone raises their hand. (Everyone) This just is everyone.
2:11 Jon
Everyone but we just don't recognize when we're doing it.
2:12 Andrea
No, We're all the same. Somebody could say Oh, yeah, I hate when people are loud. It’s like yeah, what do you do? Let's talk about that. So, we're all the same. That's why humility is so important. But I think that the fact that you're aware that you're loud, and you don't know how to stop it, or if you perpetually are talking, you don't even know what you're talking about just to fill the space. You're either afraid of the silence of what's going to come up or you're afraid you're not going to be heard if you’re not loud. And so just acknowledge that find out where it came from. Where's the first time that you did that? When you do it, What's your motive?
2:53 Jon
And you really, really, really look at these things, get over yourself and take a good look, because here's where you get to do something about it. And the other way that that a lot of us aren't alike is that sometimes we even identify what our issue is, and we continually not do anything about it.
3:09 Andrea
Right. And then you know what, the more aware you are, it almost makes it worse. Because now you're in the middle of it. You're observing it and it makes you feel shame, (right) and It makes you feel disgusting. And then guess what, when you feel those feelings, you're going to keep doing the same behavior. Why? Because the behavior is triggered by emotion. So you keep using the same behavior that begets the next emotion. So, I want you to ask yourself, Why am I being loud? Is it because I want to be heard? If so, just make sure you have someone's attention. Slow it down. Hey, can you look at me really quick while I talk to you? I just want to make sure you hear me. Be direct. What are you hoping to accomplish? Are you trying to get attention? Hey, can I get some attention right now? I just feel like I need your attention, because you're not going to always need attention. But right now, if you do, that's okay. Ask for it. Directly. I need attention right now. I have a friend who came back into our community a couple years ago and said, you know what, I'm here because I just really missed your attention. Very honest.
4:15 Jon
All right. That’s Great. You can work with that.
4:18 Andrea
Totally direct. Yes. What I can't work with? Well, I can. But what other people can't work with is the manipulative, passive please figure out what I'm really thinking and needing. Yada yada yada, it's rough, it's too much. So let's just be direct so we can use the word loud and we could put anything in there. Anything that's attention seeking, check your motive. That's really what it comes down to even the person that wrote in about voicelessness. What's your motive for not speaking? Are you hoping someone's going to chase you? Are you hoping someone's going to keep asking you what's wrong? How can I how can I get this out of you? It doesn't mean that you're choosing it. You're not choosing it consciously. But know what your intoxicated identities motive is for utilizing any behavior. And you're that much closer to being totally done with that behavior. Because you're cornering it. And you're saying, I see you, Mr. or Mrs. I see you.
5:21 Jon
Do you remember that commercial that went, If you want to get someone's attention, whisper?
5:26 Andrea
I don't remember.
5:27 Jon
You don’t? I don't remember what it was for maybe a perfume or something. But it's so often that I sit here and record these podcasts with you. And we describe a syndrome to somebody so we can get a point across the audience. And I sit here and I go, oh god, I do that all the time.
5:46 Andrea
I know.
5:48 Jon
That is me. So it's all of us.
5:50 Andrea
It's all of us. We're all the same. Everybody just has a little different flavor. So yes, if you are struggling with being loud, Why? Next time you catch yourself. Ask yourself, what am I hoping to accomplish by increasing the volume of my voice? Or the chronicity of this conversation? All right. I love you guys. Please keep sending questions. I am loving this. (Yeah, it's awesome questions). Have a great day. A levelheaded and EMSO day. See you tomorrow.
Welcome to Levelheaded Talk. Today is Wednesday. This is Jon Leon Guerrero; I am here with Dr. Andrea Vitz and we are having a good time taking listener questions this week.
0:17 Andrea
We are, (yeah) what you're going to love this. So, the next question I have is why am I so loud? And yesterday was all about not having a voice.
0:27 Jon
Why am I so loud?
0:29 Andrea
So, we could just take yesterday's and just reverse it. So, here's the thing about this. Why am I so loud? Why do I talk over people? Why is it that most of the things I say are really, really loud, audibly? Okay, well, this is probably a middle child I’m guessing. Or somebody who has a filter of invisibility or unimportance. So, let's consider this. If I feel that I have to speak louder in order for people to hear me. It means that I come from a past of not being heard. Of not being important, of not being observed. (Yeah) And so I have to really interject myself in all these situations to get the attention that I have not gotten. So, it becomes this like constant battle for attention everywhere we go. And so, we think that the louder we are, the more we're going to be heard but It's just not true, especially for coming from a place of energetic manipulation or that super aggressive, loud voice that's not attractive to us. To most people. It's kind of, it feels a little violating. So, what can happen is the very behavior used to get attention is going to get people stay away from you. And you're going to start to keep using that same behavior to get more attention, because everyone's turning away from you. (Well) Just like every Emotionally Triggered Behavior. (Sure) Wait, we keep using the same behavior and expecting a different result. And it's never once worked ever. Who else does that? Everyone raises their hand. (Everyone) This just is everyone.
2:11 Jon
Everyone but we just don't recognize when we're doing it.
2:12 Andrea
No, We're all the same. Somebody could say Oh, yeah, I hate when people are loud. It’s like yeah, what do you do? Let's talk about that. So, we're all the same. That's why humility is so important. But I think that the fact that you're aware that you're loud, and you don't know how to stop it, or if you perpetually are talking, you don't even know what you're talking about just to fill the space. You're either afraid of the silence of what's going to come up or you're afraid you're not going to be heard if you’re not loud. And so just acknowledge that find out where it came from. Where's the first time that you did that? When you do it, What's your motive?
2:53 Jon
And you really, really, really look at these things, get over yourself and take a good look, because here's where you get to do something about it. And the other way that that a lot of us aren't alike is that sometimes we even identify what our issue is, and we continually not do anything about it.
3:09 Andrea
Right. And then you know what, the more aware you are, it almost makes it worse. Because now you're in the middle of it. You're observing it and it makes you feel shame, (right) and It makes you feel disgusting. And then guess what, when you feel those feelings, you're going to keep doing the same behavior. Why? Because the behavior is triggered by emotion. So you keep using the same behavior that begets the next emotion. So, I want you to ask yourself, Why am I being loud? Is it because I want to be heard? If so, just make sure you have someone's attention. Slow it down. Hey, can you look at me really quick while I talk to you? I just want to make sure you hear me. Be direct. What are you hoping to accomplish? Are you trying to get attention? Hey, can I get some attention right now? I just feel like I need your attention, because you're not going to always need attention. But right now, if you do, that's okay. Ask for it. Directly. I need attention right now. I have a friend who came back into our community a couple years ago and said, you know what, I'm here because I just really missed your attention. Very honest.
4:15 Jon
All right. That’s Great. You can work with that.
4:18 Andrea
Totally direct. Yes. What I can't work with? Well, I can. But what other people can't work with is the manipulative, passive please figure out what I'm really thinking and needing. Yada yada yada, it's rough, it's too much. So let's just be direct so we can use the word loud and we could put anything in there. Anything that's attention seeking, check your motive. That's really what it comes down to even the person that wrote in about voicelessness. What's your motive for not speaking? Are you hoping someone's going to chase you? Are you hoping someone's going to keep asking you what's wrong? How can I how can I get this out of you? It doesn't mean that you're choosing it. You're not choosing it consciously. But know what your intoxicated identities motive is for utilizing any behavior. And you're that much closer to being totally done with that behavior. Because you're cornering it. And you're saying, I see you, Mr. or Mrs. I see you.
5:21 Jon
Do you remember that commercial that went, If you want to get someone's attention, whisper?
5:26 Andrea
I don't remember.
5:27 Jon
You don’t? I don't remember what it was for maybe a perfume or something. But it's so often that I sit here and record these podcasts with you. And we describe a syndrome to somebody so we can get a point across the audience. And I sit here and I go, oh god, I do that all the time.
5:46 Andrea
I know.
5:48 Jon
That is me. So it's all of us.
5:50 Andrea
It's all of us. We're all the same. Everybody just has a little different flavor. So yes, if you are struggling with being loud, Why? Next time you catch yourself. Ask yourself, what am I hoping to accomplish by increasing the volume of my voice? Or the chronicity of this conversation? All right. I love you guys. Please keep sending questions. I am loving this. (Yeah, it's awesome questions). Have a great day. A levelheaded and EMSO day. See you tomorrow.
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